sometimes i just want to climb out of my skin, erase every sign of my existence, and disappear
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“I realize that I was all error and deviation, that I never lived, that I existed only in so far as I filled time with consciousness and thought.” %
today, my friend and i ran out of class. with one ear bud in my friend’s ear and the other in mine, we pushed open the door and ran clutching onto the wire. we ran around the school to get to our locker (to avoid being caught by the teacher) with music blasting in our ear. we were so pathetic but “we were making memories” (quote from my friend). i haven’t felt truly happy in so long. it’s like the feeling of breaking free from idk something that has been holding me back. what a rush
i write about self-harm because it’s how i hurt myself without physically hurting myself. every time i want to feel pain and hurt myself, i would turn it into a story and write away the pain. the most i have done is digging my fingernails into my palm and thumb until it became a (idk) pleasure.
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i’ll be just another lifeless body buried in the world
that i once breathed in
soon the world will forget me
traces of my existence will be gone within time
i was never here
I always end up vilifying (is this the right word? I can’t find the right word to express “to make someone a villain”) people who are nice to me. It’s hard to believe that people can be kind without any motives. No matter how “pure” they claim their heart and intentions to be, I cannot believe them. I am afraid to accept the tempting offers and fall into a trap. In my head, I turn the nicest people into malevolent beings without a second thought.
It’s probably because that’s how I am. I am selfish. Although I wish for the well-being of others, I am not entirely sincere (I mean what I say but I do it for myself). If it makes others happy, then it makes me happy. I do these so-called “nice” things because it makes me feel good about myself.
That makes me sound pretty shallow huh?
I haven’t been able to sleep well for the past few weeks. The problem is that I am unable to fall asleep. I lay down on my bed every night; I attempt to convince myself to sleep and my mind to empty itself. As I try to divert my attention away from falling asleep, my mind begins to fill; every thoughts come running through my head, crashing and banging at every corner of my mind. Then when it gets tiring, I start to fall asleep until I am awaken by something unknown. It happens throughout my night and makes it harder for me to fall back asleep every time.
I feel like a child saying this but…every night before I fall asleep, I feel like I am on a mission. It’s as if I have a mission to complete during my sleep. One time, I felt like I had to memorize every city in the world and recite them. Another time, I thought I had to collect some special cards. These missions sound vague. It’s because I cannot remember them the moment I “wake” up from them. They don’t feel like dreams because I don’t feel like I am asleep. It’s a strange and difficult thing to describe.
i would be lying if i said there’s a monster inside of me
it’s no longer inside; it’s been unleashed and ready to kill
i have become the monster
that was a nice break away from my stuffy home
the flight to denver and back was horrible and vomit-triggering but the time i spent in denver was great. it was a nice getaway. i was happy most of the time and i felt quite stress-free and relaxed. with my two cousins who are as bright as the sun, i am always smiling; they cleared up all my cloudy days. during my stay at denver, i was almost always occupied — i was either out with the family, taking care of my cousins, or watching dramas. this gave me no time to over-think. talking with my grandparents was really nice. bothering my aunt and joking with my uncle was fun too haha. i have a new goal: successfully pull a big prank on my uncle mwahaha. anyways, since the beginning of the new school year, i haven’t been exactly “happy” up until this trip.
tl;dr i am glad i went on this trip.
I am exhausted and I want to go home. Although my parents are with me, I feel homesick. I miss my city. I feel out of place here and I get tired more easily. Despite being surrounded my family, I don’t feel like I am at home. Or maybe that’s just the tired me talking.
On the other hand, seeing my cousins again make me very happy. I love seeing them; they bring me so much joy. They are like bundles of sunshine. ;u;
